This planet holds a wealth of stones and minerals [entries|friends|calendar] mirabhasa [ website | the scrabbled ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[12 May 2005|03:15am] last night brian and i looked at jupiter through my telescope. goddamn it was cool. it didn't look red; it actually had this bluish color, probably due to our atmosphere. i only have a 26mm eye piece (it came with the scope), so it looked really tiny, but we could still make out a few of its cloud bands. we think we may have seen one of its moons too, but we don't know which one. we just know that we were looking at fuckin jupiter. it was the coolest form of nerdery i have ever experienced. post comment

arg [08 May 2005|10:32pm] [ mood | sick ] i feel so sick. yesterday it was black spots and nearly fainting. today is a sore throat and ear infections. uuugggh. brian convinced me to eat some food, which made me feel a little better, but i'm still tired as hell. kinda feverish. maybe delerious. in two weeks, brian and i are going to a bed and breakfast in kennett square for my birthday. i officially feel old. old people abound in kennett square; there's all of those pretty gardens and little museums and stuff that are swarming with people on the cusp of retirement, but i don't care. it will be a pleasent 3 days to relax and be all romantic and shit tucked in a nice, non-pickup-truck-drivin-confederate-flag-waving corner of pennsylvania. i totally can't wait. 1 comment|post comment

[05 May 2005|02:20am] john's party was great. rain! booze! headbutting! crowd surfing! i hadn't been to a party like that since i lived up in new brunswick...at least not one in which the people were so reckless. brief fisticuffs with john are always my favorite when we have more than enough beer in our systems. john probably doesn't even remember. i dumped a box of plastic forks on him. then he threw them at me, one by one. running around talking gibberish with gosia was great. and i got to see maggie! and a whole bunch of other people! goodness, it is late but i can't fall asleep. two sugar free red bulls, 16 oz diet pepsi, espresso, and barely a full meal today, as i slept until 11am and as soon as i woke up i started working on my final papers for my classes. then i went to work from 4 to midnight, and there was so much stuff to do. fuckin it sucks when the day crew doesn't do shit before i get there. then it takes 2 hours just trying to catch up on baking, prepping, and cleaning because i can't work on one task for 2 minutes before i'm bothered by a damn caffiene junkie. and then i have to clean up after the caffiene junkie because he can't hold a cup of coffee without spilling it everywhere because he was so excited about getting his fix. i don't hate my job, but it sure gets me flustered. 2 comments|post comment

[23 Apr 2005|05:13pm] [ mood | confused ] last night was a good time. it was supposed to be d&d night at the manutopia residence, but instead it turned into a manda-hutch-gosia distraction team-up which dismantled the nerdery and drove every one, sans jeff and brian, into sulking. i dunno. i've always wondered why some people refuse to just want to hang out, get to know each other, converse, joke around. why there must always be a buffer of video games/tv/rpg/movies. i'm not saying that video games, etc are horrible things, but when there is a constant focus on things that aren't related directly to social interaction, i wonder why. is it a symptom of social anxiety? are people bored by conversation? bored with their friends? i don't mean to offend, and if anyone would like to call on my assumptions, please do, for i don't fully understand! 9 comments|post comment

quizzes are lame. life is meaningless. i feel the nausea coming. [20 Apr 2005|01:29pm] [ mood | apathetic ] You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life. “Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.” “It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.” --Jean-Paul Sartre “It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.” --Blaise Pascal More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page... </td> Existentialism 100% Nihilism 75% Hedonism 70% Justice (Fairness) 50% Utilitarianism 50% Kantianism 40% Strong Egoism 30% Divine Command 0% Apathy 0% What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03) created with QuizFarm.com post comment

it's been a while [20 Apr 2005|03:16am] [ mood | restless ] heh... i lost almost 15 lbs over the past week and a half. it's kinda disgusting, but not because it's so much weight lost in such a short amount of time. it's disgusting because i can't even notice it. other people notice it. all i notice is my body in ratio to other objects. like, how much my ass fills my jeans. or how wide it spreads across the seat in the movie theater. my life has become a series of measurements and audits. how far do my ribs peak up from my torso when i lay down? is that a new bone i'm feeling? what does the tape measure say? if i stay on the elliptical for 55 minutes, then i'll burn x calories; that's a third of my daily intake! friends at work think i'm obsessed, friends at home congradulate me, life is good, my nights and days are manic. every moment is taken up by movement. at the computer desk, my knees bob up and down, my fingers tap. at work, i ping pong between tasks as if i were as little and light as a ping pong ball. at school, i sit, legs shaking, agitated by stillness. i stay up until 4am or later, wandering my thoughts, or wandering the roads. i grow delerious and then i dream. i wake up feeling hung over, stomach gnawing itself, charlie horses in both legs, sudden panic. run to the bathroom, shit buckets of water. float downstairs. guzzle diet soda and a caffiene pill. go to the gym, go to work, sometimes go to school. smile, laugh with the people around me, ignore the taunting jabs in my stomach, relish in the dizzy spells, high on hunger and stimulants, an aura forming in my vision. go home, eat. bounce limbs until 4am. 2 comments|post comment

lalala*cough* [28 Dec 2004|09:47pm] i got mad hook-ups for baby jesus day! a telescope, gym membership, bath and body works stuff, cds, the plague... yes. the plague. i spent all of xmas in bed, and the next two days home from work. i thought i had meningitis, but then i realized that i wasn't dying. tsunamis make me sad. post comment

yoyoyo [13 Oct 2004|11:00pm] [ mood | contemplative ] it's been foreva since i've posted. i suppose i just don't feel like writing about my life. lately i've been reading Sartre; nausea and a collection of his philosophical writings. it's nice to read something to realize you don't know anything at all, and the things you think you know are illusions of your own perception. it is quite refreshing to read these things, after spending a considerable amount of my life trying to pigeon-hole the world into what i feel is good and bad about it, instead of seeing it at face-value; it is what we will it to be. post comment

what the hell [10 Aug 2004|07:52pm] [ mood | crappy ] today i had to go to a funeral. my cat shit on the rug. i have these horrible cramps and spasms going on in my tummy. there's only $143 in my bank account. i haven't been able to find brian all day, although i'm in his house typing this. five hours max is all i get of sleep every night. i didn't get the chance to say goodbye to mandy. i gained 3 pounds. my head is pounding. my skin is breaking out. i'm whiney. 2 comments|post comment

[09 Aug 2004|12:20am] [ mood | optimistic ] i'm going to school, damn it. i registered FINALLY last week, took the assessment test, and paid half my tuition. most of ya'll are probably saying "yeah whatever" because you all go to school or have graduated, but it's exciting for me because i've spent the past five years working and procrastinating. i guess it just takes some people longer than others to get their shit together. so, english 101, intro to human services and remedial math 4 day review course here i come! let's hope i do well so i can get my life moving at a higher momentum... 3 comments|post comment

brian is stinky [29 Jul 2004|12:58am] [ mood | nervous ] he keeps farting. bleh. i think i'm going to start drawing and painting again. i just bought stuff the other day in hopes to use it to the best of my unpracticed abilities. just watercolors and brushes. nothing expensive or too involved. i'm so flaky, that i'm afraid that i won't be interested in a week or two, and watercolors are pretty easy for me to master. so, besides that, next week i'll register for school at camden county with brian. we'll probably take english together. and i think i'm going to take intro to human services to slowly begin my major. two classes won't be difficult. i'll be able to focus on them and do really well, instead of spreading myself thin with work and a full school schedule. i become rather edgy with the idea of academics, no matter how simple they are perceived by others. i'm good at understanding ideas, thinking about them, and writing about them, but i'm really bad at disciplining myself to do those things for an end. i get impatient. if it involves grades or some kind of recognition, i shrink from any effort. i guess this is a chance to teach myself to embrace the shadow scholar in me... post comment

[24 Jul 2004|01:32am] so, i've been sick for quite some time. it's been a month of coughing, wheezing, sore throat, exhaustion, doctor's visits, antibiotics, cold medicine, fevers, dizziness. it goes on. it's kinda funny because i think i've been treating my body better than i ever treated it. i've stopped smoking, i exercise daily, i've lost a little weight, i don't do drugs anymore. could it be that my body is so used to being beat up and abused that it's backlashing for being cleaner than it's ever been? i had never been sick for months on end when i was smoking opium and popping ecstacy with a ketamine chaser. i mean, i'm sure i was sick in other ways, but not like this. but then yesterday, brian and i went to see the movie documentary The Corporation. the movie, a few times, spoke of the bovine growth hormone used in cows so that they produce more milk, but the hormone causes all kinds of infections that are painful and disgusting. instead of forgoing profit for the care and safety of the cows, the milk corporations have antibiotics administered to the cows. thing is, there are traces of antibiotics left in milk products, which can't be good because our bodies build immunities to antibiotics fairly quickly. then this guy in the movie said something, and it stuck out: "Someone gets a staph infection that could be treated with antibiotics, but he dies because he consumed milk filled with antibiotics, and therefore built an immunity." so, i'm in a panic now, not because i think i'm gonna die, but because i consume a fair amount of dairy products and now i'm wondering if the superstrong antibiotics i have been taking haven't worked because i'm virtually immune to them. bah! 5 comments|post comment

i forgot i had this until i saw john's post [20 Jun 2004|12:07am] so, erm, yeah. where i left off, i was a total dysfunction, but that's gone away for now. i guess the reason why i haven't posted an entry in so long is because i tend to have an awfully hard time speaking about my daily life in a public forum of any sort; as the past few months have gone by, i've become more and more of a private person. i'd say the amount of friends i've spent time with in the first half of this year have dwindled significantly, and that i'm heading toward a lifestyle of reclusion. i don't believe it is a fully conscious effort, either. it's just a natural progression of my (d)evolving personality and age. but that aside, i'm free to hang out if anyone wants to...i'm not desperate to crawl out of my cave or anything... 1 comment|post comment

[14 Apr 2004|05:34pm] [ mood | blank ] lately i've been having these moments of near dissociation.  like, my body is there, but i've moved back some and i'm looking through my body like it's some kind of glass jar that i'm holding up to my face, and as i look and watch, everything is distorted and foggy and distant through the glass.  it's almost as if i sometimes lose myself in my mind, and the world is distinct and fragmented from my mind.  i wonder sometimes if i'm having some kind of fugue, but then i realize that i can remember my name.  then maybe i think it's catatonia, except that i'd be talking or doing something.  it's too simple to write myself off as crazy or depressed, though sometimes the simplest things are the right things.  i drink so much tea now.  detox tea, chamomile tea, white tea, red tea, spiced tea.  it feels good and warm and makes my stomach feel full but not in that sickening way.  tea and water.  liters upon liters of water.  and then i wonder why i'm constantly going to the bathroom. sometimes i wonder if i'm hypoglycemic or anemic.  or if i have vertigo.  sometimes when i turn to talk to someone, or if i look down, the room shifts out of control, like in star trek, when they're trying to express that  the enterprise is being fired upon by jarring the camera this way and that, except that there's no red alert, just a sudden gust of dizziness and revolving confusion.  i've finally taught myself to not grab the edges of countertops and tables when it happens, so people don't inquire or worry.  it's too much to explain that i don't know what causes it, and no i haven't gone to the doctor, and that maybe it's just in my head or it's some kind of deficiency.  it'll be odd going back to school.        post comment

so glad to see you [11 Apr 2004|03:56pm] it's been weeks since i've talked about myself on the internet. things have been going pretty swell if the mild depression is ignored. opened a checking account the other day and i feel i'm going full force back into the world of academia, hopefully this summer, for i now have money that can buy me learning, and then i can learn enough to get a job i'd feel is worthy of the stress and anxiety that is inborn of me. i know i'm boring. but my d&d character isn't! i love living vicariously through adult make-believe. it's fantastic! post comment

What the fuck is that painful monstrosity coming out of my hip?! Oh, that's my leg. [25 Mar 2004|02:25pm] [ mood | nerdy ] Yeah.  My leg hurts.  A lot.  Like, enough for me to tell the internet. Anyway, onto less painful thoughts, Brian has introduced me to the wonderful world of comic books, particularly those written by Mark Millar.  I'm finding it hard to put them down, especially The Ultimates, for which issue #13 is supposed to be out in a few weeks, AND I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT.  God damn it being too good and taking so long. My life is totally turning nerd.  I think i've overdone the boredom thing, so now i'm reading comic books and playing D&D.  I shall fill the void with  make-believe for grown-ups!  YEAH! post comment

biting off of john's journal entry because it's fun [18 Mar 2004|11:48am] [ mood | blank ] i'd like to: -write poetry again, or develop a story or movie script -go to college and work toward a degree in social work -lose weight -be less anxious, less compulsive, and more focused -have a less cynical outlook -volunteer for something i care about -learn first aid and cpr -develop the ability to talk to people without worrying constantly about what they think of me -travel to a different country -conquer my coffee addiction -take an acting class -learn math -go to a buddhism center or monastary and talk to people and learn things -get around to reading all of the books i own -finish a crossword puzzle 1 comment|post comment

these bags under my eyes are not filled with candy [15 Mar 2004|01:29pm] [ mood | dizzy, fatigued, cranky ] i've spent the past 5 days being dizzy, nauseous, tired, blah.  for some reason my body refuses to catch up with itself.  this is the 3rd day in a row i've slept for 9 hours, and after waking up, wishing to go back to sleep again.  i had to call out of work on saturday.  i never call out of work on saturdays.  my body just didn't want to function normally.  one minute i'd be fine, the next i'd be running for the toilet hoping to get there in time.  there's these bouts of dizziness, like with the black spots and all, and the aching joints, and the blurry vision, and the headaches.  i'll have to make a doctor's appointment for my next day off and get some blood work done or something.  this stuff has been appearing far too often for far too long.  and i don't like calling out of work, really.  it makes me feel whiny.  i don't like to whine.  whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. 2 comments|post comment

[08 Mar 2004|12:43pm] [ mood | sore ] i lost an inch around my waist!  and 3 inches around my hips!  which isn't much, and probably not even noticeable to the naked eye due to my womanly girth, but it makes me happy to see concrete numbers becoming smaller concrete numbers, instead of constantly speculating by how my jeans fit. so, my body is celebrating this amazing fete by giving itself a sore throat and ibs.  can't wait to go to work... maybe i should call out sick.  but that would make me a whiney bitch.  i've been sicker before and have dealt with work just fine.  there was a time period i suffered a terminal flu.  it lasted two months.  i wasn't happy. maybe it was some exotic illness that isn't the flu.  like, henta virus, or tuberculosis.  maybe it was typhoid.  2 comments|post comment

feeeeeel the looooooove [02 Mar 2004|11:41am] it's been really nice out, and that's funny because people seem to be taking cue from nature and are being nice as well. i think that is wonderful. going outside for some kind of activity would be good right now. a softball/picnic day would be excellent, if everyone could coordinate a day to do it. it's been a long time since my friends and i have seen each other outdoors and/or sober. i'm sure no one would object. i love brian. he is the most caring, loving person i've ever had the blessing to share my life with. just thought i'd clarify that on the internet. post comment

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